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The weekend that was

4 March, 2013

It was a very lazy weekend this one. I got some DVD’s out, lollies and fizzy drinks and went home to the younger kids to kick my heels up. I made the most delicious chicken curry and noodle soup and I listened as my son chattered away almost nonstop all evening.

Hubby was out on a man-date and had taken our middlest to the movies with the boys. He was home after 9pm so we got to fully relax without the added stress of him being home.

Saturday I woke to realise that I hadn’t woken up during the night and slept through until 8.30am. I was delighted and amazed! Down with the kids we put another movie on and I was in no rush to get out of my pyjamas. Unfortunately my hair had different priorities and it needed to be cleaned so I showered, changed and put on an old and comfy pair of boots I’d just had repaired.

We’d run out of chicken food this week and instead of getting a new bag of grain decided to let our three chickens and two ducks loose in the garden. This meant keeping the dogs and cats out of the way or being around to holler at one when they charged. After the second day of them being out during the day though I saw a cat stalk a chicken and then the chicken flew at the cat scaring her off, so I’m not too worried about the cats hurting the girls now.

It was nice having the chickens out scratching around and the ducks just sat down near them as they made a mess under the trees. It was therapeutic even. I love how we’ve got them so used to us that they will run up under our feet for food rather than tearing away from people. They followed me back to their run each evening – like the Pied Piper of Hamlyn!

I also spent some time on Saturday with my Uni study – reading the next section ahead in an overview and then the full work to come this week in little chunks.

Sunday was another cruisy morning. Hubby continually asks me how I’ve slept each morning and on Sunday kept asking me “Are you ok?” I don’t know what my face is showing to make him keep asking me that. We haven’t spoken anymore about me or him moving out. I’d taken a look at the place a colleague is at and my daughter and I said “No”. It’s too isolated for me.

Mid afternoon it was time for church and a visiting speaker, Sean Stanton, a Qld pastor who originated from South Africa. I was looking forward to hearing him and while I hadn’t gone to the weekend our church had been hosting I thought this would be refreshing.

I said hi to my “Mum” as I got there and filled her in briefly on hubby and then church started. The service was focused on hope and pulled verses from Lamentations, Psalm, Ezekiel and Ephesians including also Jeremiah 29:11 (remember). Now I haven’t taken notes in church or found verses so good as these in church for a long time but they were saying exactly what my heart had been saying for so long. “My heart is downcast but still I hope in You” kind of feeling.

At the end of the service there is a usual call for new believers and anyone wanting prayer and I’m a big girl, I don’t feel the need to run up for prayer each week, I think God can do what He wants to do where I’m at on any day (not that I’m against going up if I need to).

I felt a hand on my shoulder and “Mum” took a hold of my hand and said she thought this service was for me and she would like me to go up for prayer, “Would you come with me?” Up I went as the music team still sang “I surrender” off the latest Hillsong album and as we stood there I was greeted by a woman who I haven’t spoken to for SO long and had forgotten was supportive of me in my depression.

K offered to pray checking if I minded her touching me on my bare shoulder. She stopped praying at one stage and asked me if I could hear Jesus and I said no and she kept going in prayer. Then she started weeping telling me that where I couldn’t cry that she would. K had no idea what I’ve been going through lately. She then asked if she could hold me and she wrapped her arms around me as I’ve been wishing Jesus would do with me for so long.

I didn’t fight tears but I didn’t break down either. It wasn’t an ugly mess that I’ve had before when I’ve needed to let go of a massive chunk of forgiveness. K did mention something about a rock though and hardness. I thought of my blog post recently on the boulder field. I think she thought it might be me that has hardened – I guess I’ve had to as a self preservation thing too.

Anyway, the upshot has been that K is going to come to my house each week for a while and pray with me. She says it will be quite businesslike and she won’t stay long either. So now I’ve got my psychologist at work weekly and K praying with me weekly and more people around me praying. Let’s kick some butt! Even if it is my butt.

One thing I wanted when I was in church on Sunday was for hubby to be standing with me again in church, not wishy washy but really wanting to be there to be with God. He had said to me that he’d be willing to try another church but we’ve been to more than one in our little city and he’s burnt so many bridges I don’t see the point in church “shopping” again when it’s him that is the problem, not the church, and not my church – and God hasn’t told me to move on.

For once this Sunday I didn’t feel like my usual depressed self leaving church. I wasn’t euphoric or anything super spiritual but felt no anguish as I left and went home. The middlest drove home and although hubby had sent me some texts asking for a packet of chips and then offering to barbeque some chicken wings I’d declined him having plans to make a Butter Prawn dish. I actually felt his chip request was rather child like. It had been chocolate the day before.

At home my mood was fine too and I found hubby getting more and more cranky in himself. When I asked him why he was so angry the eldest yelled out that he was justified the other kids were lazy or messy or whatever. But I could tell he was more ragey than normal. I asked my daughter if he seemed crankier than usual and she said yes.

This morning the eldest was delaying us getting out to work so hubby went out to the car ahead of the rest of us. Eventually getting out of the door and going down the driveway I asked hubby how come he hadn’t taken the bins out last night (after asking me to bring them out on our way out to church) with our other car. He replied he had just started something (ship orientated no doubt) and “What will you pick on me next for?!” Well the rest of the trip passed in virtual silence as usual as he shuttered up with sunglasses and silence with the kids in the back of the car.

He’s also going to run out of his anti-depressants today so it will be interesting to see what he will do or how he will react if he goes cold turkey off them if he doesn’t take some initiative.

I can see this could be an interesting week but I’m feeling confident and positive – about time!

One step forward

Pip

[ tags Sean Stanton, Hillsong, I surrender, prayer, faith, support, relax, chicken, duck, anti depressant, spiritual warfare, Lamentations, Psalm, Ezekiel, Ephesians, Jeremiah 29:11]

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