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A Prayer

26 February, 2013

David poured his heart out in the Psalms – his tormented depression, being hunted by the mad King Saul and yet he was still able to praise his God whom he trusted.

I guess through my own torment (thankful I don’t have a bounty on my head also) I’m going to try and write something similar. Bear with me in what may seem to be a bit weird or trippy to you if you don’t pray informally yourself.

Papa

Hi

I’m here, at work with a heavy heart still, even though I know you’re in the little things of my life like getting that car to move when I arrived to park. It even seems weird to me that my feeble prayer for a car park space would be there on the street and you have never let me down yet. I know it could be seen as chance, luck or pure fluke but when I know space is at a premium in this street and yet there is a space for my car when I arrive I am thankful.

In a way it’s my mustard seed moving a mountain. A little question, a hopeful heart and an answered prayer with a moved car…

So here I am again, sighing, because I just don’t seem to have the words but you know my heart. Only this time it isn’t just one mountain to move, it seems to be many.

There’s depression – I’d like it lifted. I know Jeremiah (29:11) says all things happen to give us a “hope and a future” but here’s my challenge – you also say this “12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord”.

I understand there is a lesson in this depression so I guess you just need to give me the patience to ride this out please.

The next mountain is my marriage – why you seem to send me forward before hubby I don’t understand. I don’t do my patience with him well lately and nice, calm and understanding me just seems to be at the end of her rope with him. I know my unkind thoughts towards him tear him down in my spirit but those frustrations seem so real and my feelings are affected by him.

Then there’s work – I’m feeling like I’m being labeled as a bludger, lazy, disrespectful and insubordinate. Some of that having been said to my face, so it’s not imagined. There’s the push or hint towards one area when I’m feeling unsure of myself in it and had such a poor report (yes, in my mind) of how my training course in the area had gone. Again, the depression and loss of confidence has me lacking in faith in myself.

Church – hubby thinks it’s the whole cause of my depression. This morning what dropped into my heart was the question of whether this depression was in fact rooted in sin – that being my affection for a man who wasn’t my husband but the affair that, in your words, happened in my head and therefore sent me down this path of depression.

I know I’ve said sorry, on numerous occasions and you have lifted the yearning for him from me to be able to be less infatuated. If we had a purpose together then you can show it when the time is right rather than playing into Satan’s hands. You even saw how I dealt with him this morning. It was easy being obedient when I could have contacted him.

Out of the blue this morning hubby’s messaged me on Facebook saying he thinks I should leave my church, find another, find healing away from where I seem to be finding so much confusion.

Another friend, A, suggested a church in the city, completely unbidden believing a South African pastor to be worth sitting under. My son thinks church isn’t my problem but hubby is.

I’m so confused by all the conflict. I don’t know which way to turn for wisdom and guidance. I call out to you and you seem quiet (or I’m too deaf to hear your nudges). I haven’t gotten alongside friends because I feel the depression has shrouded and isolated me (again, warped perceptions), so I don’t have their perspectives.

I feel moving on from the church where as a family we felt was home with all things seemingly left unsaid isn’t the right thing to do. I know I feel uncomfortable in church but surely that’s my own insecurities not you nudging. As my son said, I should reach out to others rather than talking to one person and then running out to the car to hide.

Sitting in church on Sunday I didn’t feel like I was finished there. I didn’t feel like I should move on due to dissatisfaction of my middlest at youth (it’s just not meeting his 18 year old needs but meets the younger two’s). Even my eldest whose heart is broken after his girlfriend whom he felt you sent to him isn’t willing to put things behind him, no matter how awkward he might feel.

So please Papa, would you shine some of your light into my muddled view, help me see the next step. I know you’ve never let me see too far ahead or what has been shared hasn’t come to fruition yet but your daughter is confused and feeling lost in all of this mess.

You gave me a picture so many years ago of Psalm 119:105, “Your word is a lamp unto my feet, a light on my path”. The picture was one of a shepherd’s lamp, not able to throw a great deal of light around me in the dark but enough to show the next step or two only but with each step was a journey in the making.

Papa, I’m asking for daylight to come, to see the view around me, for clarity in the gloom and to see the next destination.

I love you and want to do this together xx

Pip

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