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Words left unsaid

25 February, 2013

I received this mail in my Facebook inbox after I responded to his “:/” status with his psychologist’s name

Italics are my words left unsaid but the anger simmers inside:

Pet, it’s all well saying K (but I have made appt anyway), but my sadness is in how you are with me at the moment. Please don’t respond with lumping it back on me – you need to see someone too. I can’t carry the weight

I am seeing someone but my depression has nosedived again after seeing no real change in hubby after he said he’d do better. Actually I have no idea why my mood has nosedived I just know it’s gone from bearable to unbearable

We’re both on a journey, but to me you seem to place the blame for your journey on my shoulders.

I don’t think that’s fair.

I’m a talker, so when I’m running on empty I talk to you. It’s who I am. But now, when I talk, you tend to turn the tables. You make the way I feel you treat me, about me – a result of how I am.

Talk?! You don’t talk to me. You don’t talk to me until I have a meltdown or yell at you – which you seem to think I do frequently.

It can be because I discipline the kids, or I don’t take a bin out. I feel you mask your issues , maybe subconsciously, with criticism of me.

You yell at the kids, your tone is harsh with the kids, you have no patience with the kids, you have no respect for what they might be doing. What’s worse is that is ALL you do with the kids, dish out jobs and yell. Very infrequently do you chill and chat with them. You think you are involved in their lives but they don’t want you in them. You are rarely positive with them without then scolding. They never see you happy with them, only ever happy with your damn phone in your hand when you’re chatting to a mate, then it’s the scowls back again at them.

For a year now, I’ve been running on empty, my love languages drained. Affirmation, touch. An example – when I asked you what you thought of the boat, you snapped at me. If you could have offered a compliment, it would have done so much to encourage me.

You want love language. I’ve been dead inside for a lot longer than a year my dear.

As for the boat, I’d seen pictures, you’d pointed it out to me on it’s berth.  Seriously? What more do you want from me? It’s not like you own it, you are part of a team who use it.

Why would I be enthusiastic about a boat?  I know I encouraged you to do it but really, I can’t be bothered with anything let alone something you can use as another distraction. 

I’m empty P, I need you, I need your love and most of all I need your kindness.

You need to notice what’s happening both at home and at work. You are at odds at work over your hours, but you are no better with the 9-5. Other than it suits you. You are at odds with me, for just about everything that is wrong in your life.

You bastard! You think because I’ve depression I can flick a switch like you do? You have no damned idea what I deal with at work because I don’t tell you. What’s the point?! You have some crazy idea I want to work in an area where I’d be on my own in a rough area and that somehow that’s ok with me.

I CAN’T cope on shiftwork and even on 9-5 I’m not sleeping well. You know what’s worse – I’d swear it’s down to you snoring as much as anything else!

I love you P, but I can’t bear this weight.

You know I really wonder if you know the meaning of love anymore or being a servant. Or even our vows and readings that we spoke 20 years ago. I’m done. I’m done with being your bloody mother. I’m done with you as a fifth child. Grow the hell up and think of people other than yourself you selfish little man.

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