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I didn’t sign up for this did I?

22 February, 2013

Yesterday I went to my Psychologist. S normally just writes notes and doesn’t always give me strategies to do things differently. In the past that has worked ok for me, it was someone to unload on when things were stressful and I was in need of just talking out the process myself or using the blog.

She asked me much more about the marriage and before when I’ve spoken about the relationship I’ve felt satisfied to have aired my grievances but willing to move on in a much better frame of mind. This time however I am just left with a gnawing dissatisfaction with my lot.

Sitting in the room with S I was aware of how I was behaving, twiddling my hair, waving my hands around, squashing my hands between my legs, twiddling my hair again, talking with my hands, twiddling my hair. In general, just fidgeting under the focus of S’s gaze and note taking without looking away from me.

After my hour with S I then caught up briefly with my eldest boy who had just left work. I was tired though and just wanted to get home and had to do that on the motorbike (which doesn’t allow for you to kick back but to stay alert). I also had the stress of no money and even when he offered fish and chips with him paying I was reluctant – with a heavy brooding going on and it was an hour and a half later than I usually leave town to head home

I got home having fully concentrated on my riding so I hadn’t fully relaxed. I got in to my barking retriever happy to see me (I hope), shuffled the other bike out so I could put my bike into the garage and spin it on the centre stand and put the other bike away. By this time the dogs barking had alerted the family I was home and my daughter came out to say her usual “Hello”.

As she sat up on my bike she then announced that she didn’t like her school. Not only had she been given homework but now I also had homework! I had to find my old school’s motto and write out what my dreams were for her in school this year. This was then going into her Journal for school which they keep right throughout high school. I just felt like it was one more thing demanding my time (but it was good to pen the dreams too)

Hubby was in his "assumed position" on the couch. Sitting facing the wall so that anyone (me) wanting to pass him has to step over him. Laptop on his lap (as they do). Pot belly bulging as he slouched into the couch and barely looking up as I enter the room as he said “Hi”.

I went upstairs to get a shower and hopefully relax a bit but instead it was just scalding and physically cleansing. My cat came up for some cuddles getting up in my face big time for some affection – that kind of “in my face affection” I can deal with.

My appetite was low, so low too. Washing up was still piled up at the sink, you know, the big awkward stuff that never makes it into the dishwasher and the fry pan and rice pot soaked in the sink. So I stood in the kitchen feeling fed up at hubby on his damned computer AGAIN and the washing up perpetually there. (His reaction to the washing up comes later!)

Instead of eating the curry dinner the middlest had made I made a slice of toast with some honey on it and a coffee. Then it was sitting down with my daughter correcting her English homework (remembering quickly not to actually do it myself) and signing my youngest boy up to iTunes for his new iPad which is coming from school.

Hubby extracted himself from the couch and came up behind me at the kitchen table. What was weird was that he went to kiss me from over my shoulder on my neck, near my collarbone. It was an odd (peculiar) tender gesture that I struggled to accept.

Finishing up with kids homework I asked who had cooked dinner (our rule is the cook doesn’t wash up) to which I was told the middlest. Hubby said he was going to do the washing up. That was until he actually entered the kitchen to which he exclaimed it wasn’t his stuff! (WTF?!) Needless to say the washing up didn’t get done but he put the dishwasher on. He says he’ll get it done but we’re not home until late tonight as we’re all out doing stuff and he’s out tomorrow and Sunday (not that I’d leave it for him until then).

My daughter said to me as we sat down doing homework and he was having his washing up rant “I thought you said he was going to change”. Ouch

When I did get to sit down it was for a couple of episodes of Bones and hubby kept looking at me with an odd look on his face and he said he didn’t know what was wrong (with him). He was restless.

I was tired enough to fall asleep in minutes and although I woke during the night it was more to shift position and I didn’t get out of bed. This morning was a struggle to get out of bed though as I repeatedly hit my snooze button. My daughter came in to get a bag and instead of listening to her got bawled out of the room by hubby who wanted to get out of bed in his jocks to shower.

I thought I was getting over his behaviour but not only has it reverted I am very close to reverting to my gross dislike of him. It even continued into the car for the trip to school. My daughter was talking (in her usual tone) to her brother in the back of the car about Adele and her songs and hubby told her to be quiet. Silence reigned in the car and of course the kids have learnt that they can’t have a discussion, no matter how heated it might get or share their own knowledge without being dismissed.

It was as I walked into work that it struck me (and it had been brought up by S yesterday) that hubby has positioned me as “Mother” of him. I didn’t ask for this position and I don’t want it, but how do I get away from it. As S said, “Psychologists say you can’t change another person, you can only change yourself”.

Hubby is doing some sailing thing this weekend. We get a break from him!


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