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Baby steps

13 February, 2013

Choose you – Stan Walker

I’m so mad at you right now
That I can’t think straight
And I should shut my mouth
So I don’t let out the cruel things I say

Cuz when love starts out
It’s all peachy
I love you, you love me seems easy
It’s like a walk in the park
But sometimes it takes an act of my will
And a walk in a park turns to uphill
But I promise to give you my heart

I will choose to love you,
Even though I wanna stay mad
Even though I wanna get angry
Though it may be easier to walk away
I will choose to stay & love you

Love is just so beautiful
sometimes it takes work
And the ones you love
At times can leave you so hurt

Some people think that love is just a feeling
So they fall out of love as quickly as they fell in
Some people think that love is just a game
But they the ones who always seem to end up getting played
Though everything around might change
One thing will still remain

I will choose to love you,
Even though I wanna stay mad
Even though I wanna get angry
Though it may be easier to walk away
I will choose to stay
I choose you
I choose you everyday
I choose you

Sometimes you just get a song in your head that kind of says what you want it to say (with a little editing of the read words).

I put these lyrics in a Valentines card to hubby today, along with 2 heart chocolates.

Last night hubby had wanted to talk but I was reluctant to believing it to be futile.

In work during the day I’d stalled on my paperwork as I’d been asked to do filing for the day. Then in the afternoon I’d to go to the job psychologist to do a PAI screening thing. (I’ve just looked it up and it’s for clinical diagnosis, treatment planning and screening for psychopathology) – that’s a mouthful!

Anyway I made it through the 344 questions thinking there are some crazy people out there (by the chunking of questions) and thinking my hubby would be answering these differently from me and how much does he actually see of his own behaviour?

Finished the questions and then has the psych ask me how I was going to which I told her it wasn’t about me worrying about the test but that I’d asked hubby to move out. When I filled her in though I reiterated that I thought God had brought us together, faults and all and He’s not dumb, He knows we have to work out our stubbornness together. He also knows that together we are a formidable force, something we have been constantly challenged in.

It felt better having a sympathetic ear to talk to and I’ve ended up booking in to see both her and my own psychologist next Thursday. I’ll be all talked out!

Back to the card and why would I choose to give a Valentines card to my hubby when I asked him to move out? I guess it’s down to whether I think we are worth fighting for and me asking him to move out has given him a bit of a jolt as to how he’s behaved – even asking our daughter, who came up to us while we were talking, how he’d been. He didn’t like her honest answer.

So I’ve set a few rules down. He’s to make an appointment to see his psych at least every pay day – non-negotiable. He himself is frustrated about his poor hearing – we believe one ear drum was perforated by a hit from his father but his general hearing is deteriorating frustrating both him and all of us.

He’s asked me for feedback on his poor time management with all his article writing that he’s doing. He says he’s doing it as a second job – trying to boost our income. When I told him “At what cost, losing his family?!” he was surprised that that might indeed happen.

I understand his love for the articles and books he writes. There is only pocket money in them really but I’d hate to see his tenuous relationship with the kids lost because he forgets how to be with them. They have been super gracious to him and keep giving him second chances. In fact I said that we, as Christians, are meant to forgive 77 times 7 (or infinitely). The middle boy piped up that we have done that and more and I answered him that we have to set the example.

I haven’t yet made a stand on him returning to church but that may yet come. I don’t mind if he looks around for a while but he needs to make this journey for himself, not because I’ve dictated it. I think for now there is too much bitterness for him to return to my church for it to do him good.

It’s also our 20th wedding anniversary on February 15th. Should I jeopardise 20 years of growth and support amid the angst?

It’s a step in the right direction I think.

Next is to deal with our 12 year old daughter who says she doesn’t want to go to her new high school camp and doesn’t like her new school. I hope it’s not out of fear of our separation.

Baby steps

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