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Marching orders

11 February, 2013

After telling hubby to “Go forth and multiply” the other week it was followed up with “Just go”.  After him being nice all week (and confusing the hell out of me and the kids) I told him again yesterday to leave in a more rational moment.

This time he didn’t fight me on it, defend himself or anything else.  He just accepted it.  Then he declared to me that it would cost him $300 a week to rent somewhere. Firstly he can find cheaper – he just won’t lower his standards and I reckon he’ll have a big point to make in all of this, including putting our house up for sale.

I guess it was then that it kind of sank into my thick head the real consequences of a marriage separation. Homes get split, possibly lost and there is a period of uncertainty as a joint income (which we already have stretched to its limits) becomes halved and made spread over two households.

While I was asking for hubby to leave I guess I had in my mind that we might reconcile. Not that I have any image of what separation, our separation, will look like. I hadn’t gotten as far as thinking divorce and long term move on permanently. In a way I hope God can sort the mess out and maybe the separation is a part of that.

It was as I was searching for some online counsel that I came across some “Christian separation” talk that gave me hope. Maybe God can be in this after all, as yes, I would like reconciliation but I certainly don’t want a marriage on these terms.

One page suggested counselling.  Do you know how much counselling it suggested?! 12 times in 30 days!  Twelve times?!!! That’s three times a week!  Who the heck can do that? And that’s just one on one, not couples counselling!  Now I know I’m not perfect by a long shot but even I think I’d run out of stuff to talk about three times a week to a counselor.

Do I think hubby would seriously go along for counselling? No.  He’s supposed to be going along now to a psychologist but he neglects to just make the darned appointment and do it.  Just as he neglects to buy his meds when we get paid rather than when he runs out and if he doesn’t have the money will go without his meds for a few days.

Thankfully he did it most with his blood pressure meds.  I don’t think he’s done it with his anti-depressants but he’s gone right up to running out on multiple occasions. It got to a stage where I had to stop worrying about his scripts and his meds and let him worry about them himself.  It’s saved me the stress and him feeling nagged but I did buy him a weekly pill dispenser as I found mine for my multivitamins to be a godsend.  I think it’s saved him on many occasions.

So I don’t know how all this will pan out.  We have enough furniture to get him started but emotionally and spiritually I am walking in the dark.  I can see him getting out and continuing to be social.  I can see him being anally tidy. I can see him filling his time with his damn ships, photos, books and articles.  I can see him distracting himself from the real issues and being overly nice to the kids while inside I die a bit more.

God, all I see ahead is an uphill struggle alone. It’s gonna take a lot of strength and resilience to get through this.

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