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Torn

6 February, 2013

Last weekend I was completely fed up with hubby and his attitude. I told him to “Just fuck off”. I’m just over it all. His yelling, his ignorant attitude, his frostiness.

I know I’m equally cold back to him but my love is as good as dead. I never intended it to die but it died a sad, lonely death where I’ve had to try and find worth in myself because he neglected me.

He snarled at me this evening that I’d told him to fuck off and he was making plans. Am I upset? No. Am I hurt. No. Am I bitter? I asked myself that.

The thing is I don’t want the marriage as it currently is. He’s the fifth child. Dates are now non existent because I just don’t want to spend time with him. If we do go out he’s in his phone and when I treat him how he’s treated me he sulks.

I know I’m painting him in such poor light. In my depression I don’t feel I’ve let him down. I feel like I’ve let my kids down.

They have pulled so strong for me and made so many gracious allowances for me not cooking, not ironing, not tidying. But throughout me not doing things around the house I have spent time just hanging with the kids, alone and as a family (without hubby because that’s not his thing). It’s relationship together that I chose to sow my time into.

But alongside my amazing kids who I know will grow up and have their own relationships and family I have a hubby who seems to resent their combined presence. That kills a part of me.

I’m guilty of wishing when he clenches and releases his left fist that its an angina attack. I’m guilty of wishing for the police to call to my house to tell me he’s crashed the motorbike. I’m guilty of wanting him dead because the logistics of a separation seem too huge to overcome. I’m guilty of wishing he’d have an affair so I didn’t feel guilty for being emotionally distant from him.

I’d rather admit it though than have hate, bitterness, frustration and hopelessness build up inside.

As a Christian I know God can fix it but I’ve prayed for years for him to see what he’s doing to me and for me to try and stay soft. I’ve prayed for me to forgive him. I’ve prayed to see beyond the words but I can’t any longer.

I haven’t even gone to church in the last month. He hasn’t gone for over a year. I was saying to the eldest that it’s not so important that he doesn’t go to church if he lived by Christian principles but he doesn’t. He holds offences. He won’t forgive. He is never humble.

The reality is if he does leave will there ever be reconciliation? I know if I was to meet him now I wouldn’t even be friends with him. We have little common interests and I know separate hobbies are good but we seem to have separate moral standards too.

I’m tired. I’m tired of putting a brave face on things to friends or just plain avoiding friends because it’s just too hard to work out the words.

Tearing asunder what I thought God brought together

Pip

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