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Halfway through

24 January, 2013

I took a week off work this week.  I should have been helping out with Camp Quality but with all of the upheavel of the middlest’s surgery and school holidays I decided not to do it this year.  Now I’m halfway through, my eldest is back home from interstate and getting an amazing tattoo on him and life seems to have settled down into the downhill slide of getting ready to go back to work and back to school.

Money matters threaten to overwhelm me as back to school uniform, and books have to be bought for the kids, time off arranged so that the kids can get to school, bus passes organised and other things get done.

The middlest turns 18 this week too, another milestone reached and I lose another child to manhood – and for the most part he’s the responsible one. I say “for the most part” as he can give the kids so much hassle it’s not funny.  Ah, big brothers!

This morning I went into the city to buy the middlest’s birthday present.  I needed my hubby in there to sign for it and on the way in we past his motorbike at an office he was in.  Somehow he seemed to beat us into the city by 15 minutes and was already complaining that we weren’t fast enough for him.

This man has turned into a stranger to me.  Every text from him causes me stress. I stood in the computer store as he wandered around disconnected from me in his jacket and I didn’t know this man any longer.  What I see, I don’t like.  What I hear, I despise. If he ever tells me “I love you”, I wonder if he understands the meaning of those words.

He complains bitterly about things lying around yet when I said to him about a piece of his rubbish instead of accepting he was slack he pointed out everyone else’s wrongs. His time is more important than our time. His work is more important than us. His airspace should not be invaded by us.

Last night we had Doctor Who on the tv, a series we have seen umpteen times, and we were half watching and talking with the kids, all of us except hubby who decided to turn off the tv, which was fine.  Then he turned the tv back on and wanted us to all be silent so he could watch it as if tv was more important than interacting.  He ended up going to bed and again the tv, with Transformers 2 on, we chatted over the movie and shared time together and laughed.  This is family to me, not frosty silence.

So this morning hubby was hostile in the city until he left and again it was time with the eldest shared until I left him with a friend. My mood dropped though. I got more angry with motorists around me. I was snapping and there at the back of my mind I wondered how much of my lowering feelings were because I was heading back to work on Monday.

An email I get daily that is scripture and prophecy based said that things would be better than the last 10 weeks.  I wonder if that means I will get a position in work that I have been praying for as I don’t really want to continue in the current uncertainty. I try very hard not to treat it like some fictional horoscope picking and choosing what I want out of it and just keep praying into my work, my sanity and my marriage but I don’t see breakthrough.

All I seem to see are greater insurmountable obstacles ahead and no support or full love tank. Hubby likewise tells me he feels unloved and unlovely. I think he brings it on himself though as he pushes us all away. From his negativity this morning though I just want to take off, to run away and to leave it all behind.

Instead I’ll probably hide in my current book – The Shack (for the third time) and long for a heaven on earth experience.

Fiction seems to be so much easier than a screwed up reality

P

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