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The heaviness continues

17 January, 2013

There has been a brooding heaviness I have found hanging over my shoulders. It’s an exhausting mantle to carry and I see no end in sight. In fact everytime I glimpse the next horizon I find I have to continue my climb uphill as it’s not the top of the mountain yet.

Work is my predominant stressor. Yesterday I had a couple of things clarified which eased my mind somewhat so that was good but with that step forward I also received a notification which I’d been warned to expect but there was like a sub-clause along side of it which basically questioned should I even be working in my job any longer.

So I try and recover, get a stable position in which to work in, protect myself rather than continue to crash and burn and I get no support from my supervisor who doesn’t understand depression (or how it is an overload of stress) and how adding more stressors rather than less exacerbates the problem, hampering recovery rather than helping.

Now I also find out that due to my mis-management in the job there are going to be steps taken to educate the supervisors in mental health and stress related illness rehabilitation but I hate that it’s me going through it and feeling not much support, even though there are some folk in the background that know about the whole lot.

I keep getting asked, “What do you want?”

What I want is a job I can be busy in
A job I can be left alone to just get on with things and just do it
A stable job where I don’t need to worry how long it’s for
A stable job where I don’t always feel out of my depth (happy to learn new skills though)
A job I don’t take home with me – finish work and leave it at the door
Not rushed in my job to “get better and get back to real work”
A job where I look forward to the work and the people I work with
A job that has the potential to be a forever job

Is that too much to ask?

My self esteem is knocked yet again. Thankfully on my current meds and psychological state of mind I am able to reason through how I feel and why I feel hurt by certain aspect and rationalise my way through it all. I’m wounded but not fatally.

I want a way out of this fog

Pip
Sent from my iPad

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