Work life balance

Tuesday already and I feel like I’ve barely stopped. That’s not true though as we had our lazy Sunday.

Sunday night after our super cruisy day I woke at 4am, lay there for a while before going down to get some warm milk. I left all the lights off but our foster kittens still dashed around and said “Hi”. I went back to bed around 5.30am and fell asleep until the alarm woke me.

Went for my usual Monday morning dam walk and regretted not bringing shower stuff so I could have one before work. Did my two hours, managed to kill the computer and then went shopping for Bircher muesli. Found some but not being sure if it was the correct brand I’d been recommended I left it to double check.

While I was in work my gnome of a manager tried to pressure me to return to taking calls and as I patiently refused he seemed a bit exasperated with me and my workmate said that seemed to effect me deeply. I’m just tired of constantly having to fight and stand my ground.

Home mid afternoon and I headed up to bed for a lie down and fell asleep for an hour. I was feeling very unenthused for dinner and ended up throwing together a butter prawn and scallop dish with cous cous but was far from hungry with it being so warm out.

Again this unsettled feeling is on me. I found my thoughts get darker and when I was driving felt the usual thoughts of crashing/ramming the car creeping into my head. In a way I’m almost too scared to give voice to those thoughts for fear of validating them and I’m sure my doctor would want to know if the current meds aren’t working. I just don’t know if I’m needing the extra time or extra help. Even as I verbalise it here I find myself fighting tears and wanting to put a wall up between me and the thought rather than face it head on.

I went to the psychologist today and I’m sure I said my thoughts had gotten darker but he didn’t pick up on it or maybe he didn’t understand what I meant.

Hubby is now off his Prozac having gotten serotonin syndrome. His mood has gotten crankier as he withdraws but at least now he’s more conscious of it.

Last night due to the heat I struggled to get to sleep. Brain buzzing I suddenly remembered that our work emails had stopped working and so rang my shift mate who’d recommended the Bircher muesli to me as he was currently working (at 11pm). While I was on the phone my hubby came out and gave me the filthiest of looks as if I’d been up to no good.

This morning as we had a rare breakfast together before we went about our days he asked if that’s what he was like before (paranoid). When I said “Yes” he was a bit crestfallen. It’s good that he realises but it’s a rough lesson for him. I too can now see that it was a chemical issue and not just a behavioural issue that had him this way at least.

Decided to walk before my weight watchers meeting this morning as we were expecting some serious heat today. I walked alone and pushed out my over-tight calves as much as I could. The meeting itself was a good connecting time and I’m so glad I can do life with these encouraging women. I certainly wasn’t feeling any skinnier but the scales tell me I’ve lost 800g from somewhere! Hubby tells me he knew I’d lost weight too. Tomorrow I’ll measure again as its been a while.

So my head is getting darker and I don’t know the cause and reason for my retreating into myself. I don’t feel enthusiastic about anything. Just “meh”… I just “don’t want to bother” and that statement is telling me I’m more close to the edge than I’d like to admit :o/

Hubby tells me I’m looking beautiful, my hair is amazing, I look “different” somehow. I don’t think I’ve done anything and when I saw my reflection in windows today felt like a toffee apple.

The main tv which has been away for a service was back when I got home. Back to normal it was back on all evening and my solitude corner is gone as the teens hog the other set and PS2.

When I got home I retreated to the deck of my room to be followed up by hubby who said I was very quiet as I wasn’t talking to him or chatty. A that point I could barely get myself to pick up my iPad and carry on with my blog post that had been swallowed earlier.

Sitting in silence on the deck then the rains came down and squalls are coming across our house with thunder and lightening (and a leaky roof). It’s a relief to break the heat!

I kicked the kids off the second tv and am trying to finish my blog here but they still somehow manage to radiate in here with me just for company or time even without talking.

I get a late start tomorrow as I’m trying to sync work with other city runs and I’m holding hubby’s hand while he goes to my psych tomorrow for the first time.

Personally I think I’ll ask my GP if he will refer me to a psychiatrist so they can play with my meds and maybe figure out what’s going on with my head as my psych seems to be a little ordinary in this field.

My workmate today seems to think I’m overdoing things. Not doing enough “me” stuff. I dunno. Where is “me” when you’re a mum?

Time to quit brooding for now. The labyrinth is getting confusing.

Pip